i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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