and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
