i think my tv is drunk
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
