Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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