If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
