Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
