Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
