Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
