My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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