just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize