Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
i drank out of a bidet.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
