her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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