I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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