i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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