the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
