Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
