he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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