Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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