i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
