TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
