My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
