I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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