I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
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