god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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