when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Welp...herpes.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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