Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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