Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
