Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
