I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
