Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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