i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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