I threw up into my coffee this morning.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
