my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
