Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
