my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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