New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
