My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
