i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
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