He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
