why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
