Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
