you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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