Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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