I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
