I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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