i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
