These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
FUCK WHALES
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
