I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
