I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Randomize
