You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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