the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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