So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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