I met the friendliest cop last night
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
