we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
