he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
